bring the heat

you know what i'm scared of?
that it could have been a mistake to be honest.

and now i'm in a struggle
the one i've been dying not to get into
i'm just trying to keep my breathing at a pace but it seems so much more difficult

so what about today?
i wish the biggest most stupid mistake i have ever done was to run and get strangled (unintentionally)
and it's difficult to close my eyes at 4 in the morning

and so much more difficult to catch myself again, in wandering thoughts, scattered
i'm just a little too much into the depth of my own trauma
i wish there was a way to conveniently walk out the door
unscathed
untouched

time and again
here we are
awake
unable to surrender to slumber for the very reason that it is just not calm enough
when i'm awake its a struggle
and to fall asleep is another

because you could have been the last thought in my head, the last smile before i close my eyes

 i was justifiably reasonable. and was in a more forgivable place than you. yes, you made me believe. and i did, believe in the truth you put out there. but now i know. (i did my research). and you, turned the tables against me, made me think that i had no right to question you. and to think let you, just let you say all that you think i am. think all you want, it doesn't really matter anymore. at least i am not feeling what you are in. i think i like where i am just fine.

if i write it down, it'll make it real
its like admitting it to myself

so NO. i don't think so.

 you're the last one that i should be thinking about
but the first one still, when i think about, what i should be

 you can only do so much.
you can only take it so far.
and when you've exhausted every last bit of trying, you just know you have to pause. 
stop, stand still and look at where you're standing.
if you're right where you began then what's the point.

but did i see myself where i began.
i thought there was progress. 
but not everyday is new day to brag about success
because what they give they can also take back
almost in an instant
and you might not even know, but you've already missed it

i missed it
in more ways that can fit in that word, "miss"

 someday, one day.
heard that one before
and still it gives a little thread to pull

 i think its time

 can we stop going in circles?
i'm tired of finding myself in the same spot.

its hard

why?

i love you ate ja, forever and ever.

your time is almost up.

close call. i really thought it might change my mind.
i guess not

it still stands...as of now.

i think i found the reason why i am this way
on the plane ride back when i was with my tito did i see it clearly, no wonder i am such. because they are. that commitment is a choice, when you get in you have to be ready when it is time to get out. no wonder they handle it like such, with such strength and ease. they don't get too mind fucked about anything, about anyone. that's why there is the word "steady". that is how i wanna be, all the time. he asked me what the essence of letting go was, i can only stare at the window across him trying to grab an answer somewhere. i knew what it was though, "that nothing is yours to keep. that anything can be taken away from you at anytime and you have to be ready." it was exactly what he said to me. now i know why i think that way. no wonder i prepare myself too much for things like leaving and letting go. though i was never so good nor gracious, i still tried... i tried to be just like them, just like my family. no wonder. it took me a while to see it, that all of what i believe in i see within them. all this time, i never did see where i get all these "philosophies" from. now i know, that i got it from them. they've been married and been out of it. been in relationships and dealt with it. they have been in the highs and lows, yet look at them now. they easily hold their own. secretly i want to be just like them. they're not numb to what happens, they just no how to deal without showing any sign of weakness. they know "subtle dominance". it was becasue it has been in my system all this time. now i know where i get this head from.

now i have to find my heart

 its always going to be, how it ends and never begins.
is this where we, "call it quits"?

 you are my sweetest drug.
no matter how many times i get hurt.

you are my #1. 

remind me... again, how it felt
when you were so close...

when you were almost...
 

 you're causing me the unnecessary emotions
i don't need it, neither do i want it

just walk away right now, just do it

any more of this won't be good.
you're not that good

please don't make me hate you
i don't want to

this is the end

 you can't be that good.
i can't be in deep.

so i'm all in on my resistance, it just doesn't get easier.
for every counting day i have that i must do it
i will

walk away now, before anything else

i was told... "you can only look but you can't touch"

 just when you say "it's done" with decisiveness that's convincing, here comes the reason you decided in the first place. oh you're not getting the best of it, or any of it. you got barely anything to work with, that is if that's the case. 

nope, not on me.
none, on me

once that button is hit, you won't see anything pretty

so tell me.

 to quote "we like playing the field, but we don't want to be in it"

that lit the bulb in my head
it made so much sense

its not about fear, it is the ego
or maybe it is the fear and not the ego
maybe it is ego and fear "clash-colliding" finding that you like receiving and not giving
there's no two-way option. it is...just ONE
as selfish as it may be
but that is how things fall into rhythm
it is just difficult to move out of comfort zones
or to see other perspective that are unfamiliar
sometimes, it does come in handy to believe that you stay in your place, your postion, that you're used to

sounds like convenience?
its not as easy as it appears

 one last thing on my mind is the option, opportunity

or fail

twice